Tag Archives: funny

It’s copper and they don’t know how it works! S- sounds great: sign me up.

Here’s what it was like getting an IUD!

So, the nurse practitioner who put my IUD in is really awesome. She took a lot of time to speak with me to make sure I felt like I had all of my questions answered, and understood the possible risks. She also went over the procedure, complete with a little model of the uterus and a demo version of the IUD itself.  Basically she stuck a little stick through the demo cervix up into the demo uterus, and then the demo IUD popped gently into place!  Then the little demo uterus sparkled and giggled and one tiny but perfect rainbow appeared above each demo fallopian tube.

Reality isn’t….. quite……. like that.

It’s really not too bad, though, and I’d say that if you’re at the point where you’ve thought about the possible negative side effects, you’ve looked into the risks associated with getting it put in, and you’ve figured out how it might fit with your lifestyle, there’s really nothing else to consider.  Definitely don’t let fear of the massive waves of unbearable pain stop you.

Haha, ok, I’m mostly kidding.  For me, the implantation procedure really only had 3 painful parts:

1. The beginning.

2. The middle.

3.  The end.

Haha!  Ok I’m mostly kidding again.  For real, the painful parts were 1. when she clamped my cervix, 2. When she “sounded” my cervix, and 3. When she actually put the IUD in.

I was pretty nervous when she started to prep the room for the procedure.  She lifted the towel off of a small, innocuous table in the corner and revealed a tray of tools.  These tools had clearly been rejected from the set of a horror film* for being too scary.  I didn’t see which long, curvy, spiky metal object she used to clamp my cervix, because she told me to look away and when someone has those kinds of tools in their hands, you do what they say.  But for me, the cervix-clamping part wasn’t that bad.  It felt kind of like someone was pinching me, and I didn’t really want them to be.  But, like, whatever.  No big deal.

THEN…. she stuck in the “sound” (which is basically a stick to measure the depth of your uterus).

Before I decided to get an IUD, I did a lot of research into what it would feel like.  I was especially worried about how much it was going to hurt.  From what I read, it really varies.  Some women experience a lot of pain, and some don’t really experience very much at all.  But, for those who experienced a lot of pain, they would frequently say the IUD insertion was like “really bad menstrual cramps, but worse.”  I get pretty bad menstrual cramps, and I’m no baby.  So when I compared my understanding of “but worse” to 10 years of worry-free birth control……I mean come on. It’s not even really a choice. So I wasn’t going to let that stop me, but I also didn’t think “but worse” would be that bad.

Here’s the thing.  You might actually have *no idea* what really bad cramps feel like.  I am now SO GRATEFUL for my not-so-terrible “pretty bad cramps”.  My NP explained that the uterus is really one big muscle, and when you stick something into it, the muscle cramps up.  Normal cramps are caused by rhythmic contractions of the uterus.  My cramps are like a dull, constant throbbing pain that radiates through my back and down into my legs.  When you get an IUD though, you basically have what is ONE GIANT MUSCLE suddenly completely cramping up in response to a stick being shoved into it.  It hurts! Regular cramps are downright gentle by comparison. Even the bad ones.

So yes, it hurt.  BUT.  The pain lasted for about 2 seconds.  Then she pulled the sound out and stuck the actual IUD in, which caused the whole business to cramp up again, and then it was over.  At that point the pain became exactly what I had been expecting, and felt pretty much like regular menstrual cramps.

Totally not a big deal.  Definitely not something to be that concerned about.  You can almost definitely handle it.

I spent the rest of the day in bed, although I didn’t actually need to.  So, yeah!  Basically it wasn’t that bad and I’m so happy I did it!  The next few days were a bit of a different story, but that’s another blog post…. 🙂

*Terrifying Dentist and Insane Lumberjack: Together At Last

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Posted by on Sunday, November 24, 2013 in fractally weird


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Dipshit Camping

Dipshit Camping. What is it? Well, Dipshit is made up of the two Greek words “Di” meaning “Person”, and “pshit” meaning “who ends up camping on an unmaintained highway between two switchbacks of the Interstate, less than 200 yards away from their car.” If you’re a mere novice to this form, allow me to take your hand and lead you. No need for your compass – we don’t know how to read it. No need for maps – we don’t know how to read those either. And forget directions from Forest Service Ranger Shirley – they will only baffle. Don’t worry about where we’re going – we won’t get there anyway. We’re Dipshits!

The first rule of thumb for Dipshit Camping is this: Leave early the morning of the day you want to start your trip, but not so early that you would have enough time to find somewhere safe to park before dark in the event that you get lost (which you will). Since you packed the night before (in true Dipshit fashion) you’ll be slightly exhausted, and unable to make even trivial decisions.  What does your sleep-addled Dipshit brain do when the corner store is out of the sandwich you planned on having for breakfast? Should you buy the “Hot ‘n Fresh” Sausage wrap, or the mysterious hodge-podge of plastic-encased cheeses, salamis and crackers? Better agonize over it for another 15 minutes!

Another important thing to remember about Dipshit Camping is that you cannot trust anyone named Shirley. If Forest Service Ranger Shirley tells you that you need chains on your tires, you will be driving on pristine and dry roads. If Forest Service Ranger Shirley tells you to turn left after the Eco SnowPark, you will find the road to be blocked with a five foot wall of snow. If you decide to park overnight in the Eco SnowPark despite the ominous and prominent tow-away signs, Forest Service Ranger Shirley will dance naked on the roof of your car while singing “Nanananananannaaaaa.”

But let’s get down to business and talk about the brass tacks of Dipshit Camping. The best part about Dipshit Camping is that it is almost completely stress-free! Despite months of preparation and research, despite the hundreds of dollars you spent on equipment and camping books, absolutely nothing will go according to plan!  So you might as well not worry about it.

Leave all your preparation behind (along with something to purify water – oops!) and now you have arrived at what you think is the trailhead.  Don’t worry about the absence of all signage, or other hikers – it just means that if you die, you’ll die completely alone where no one can laugh over your Dipshit carcass.

Now you’re out in the cold wilderness with your fellow Dipshit. The stars are glistening overhead, the snow is crunching under your tent, and the soft roar of the highway is lulling you to sleep. Not only do you get to admire the starlight in the dark night, but you get to view the town from a mere 1 mile distance. Ahh – civilization. How far away it seems – a whole 15-minute car-ride. Who needs toilet paper?

Now that you’ve settled down in your tent, on your pad with your sleeping bag, you begin to gently drift into the tense, hyper-aware state of extreme nervousness that all campers live for.  This is the time – generally referred to as “night” – when a camper in the middle of the wilderness begins to notice sounds.

At first, these sounds might sound terrifying.  Your city-born ears hear an animal rushing up to your tent in the dead of night to riffle through your packs, chew up your extra sweaters with enormous gnashing jaws, and rip your camping cookware to shreds with its razor-sharp claws.  It’s a strange quirk of the outdoors, but that enormous creature menacing you at 4 a.m. somehow always leaves squirrel tracks in the snow. Perhaps it was a squirrel. Perhaps it was some other animal walking on squirrel-foot stilts. Who can say.  It’s important to not overstretch yourself reaching for a logical interpretation.  That’s not the Dipshit way!

The shining moment in any true Dipshit camping experience, of course, is when you wake up the next morning, and realize that you parked your car (illegally) 5 yards from the actual trailhead.

Congratulations!  You are a real Dipshit.

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Posted by on Saturday, November 12, 2011 in fractally weird


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