smooth noodle maps

Dipshit Camping

jhorna — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 06:59:59 +0000

Dipshit Camping. What is it? Well, Dipshit is made up of the two Greek words “Di” meaning “Person”, and “pshit” meaning “who ends up camping on an unmaintained highway between two switchbacks of the Interstate, less than 200 yards away from their car.” If you’re a mere novice to this form, allow me to take your hand and lead you. No need for your compass – we don’t know how to read it. No need for maps – we don’t know how to read those either. And forget directions from Forest Service Ranger Shirley – they will only baffle. Don’t worry about where we’re going – we won’t get there anyway. We’re Dipshits!

The first rule of thumb for Dipshit Camping is this: Leave early the morning of the day you want to start your trip, but not so early that you would have enough time to find somewhere safe to park before dark in the event that you get lost (which you will). Since you packed the night before (in true Dipshit fashion) you’ll be slightly exhausted, and unable to make even trivial decisions. What does your sleep-addled Dipshit brain do when the corner store is out of the sandwich you planned on having for breakfast? Should you buy the “Hot ‘n Fresh” Sausage wrap, or the mysterious hodge-podge of plastic-encased cheeses, salamis and crackers? Better agonize over it for another 15 minutes!

Another important thing to remember about Dipshit Camping is that you cannot trust anyone named Shirley. If Forest Service Ranger Shirley tells you that you need chains on your tires, you will be driving on pristine and dry roads. If Forest Service Ranger Shirley tells you to turn left after the Eco SnowPark, you will find the road to be blocked with a five foot wall of snow. If you decide to park overnight in the Eco SnowPark despite the ominous and prominent tow-away signs, Forest Service Ranger Shirley will dance naked on the roof of your car while singing “Nanananananannaaaaa.”

But let’s get down to business and talk about the brass tacks of Dipshit Camping. The best part about Dipshit Camping is that it is almost completely stress-free! Despite months of preparation and research, despite the hundreds of dollars you spent on equipment and camping books, absolutely nothing will go according to plan! So you might as well not worry about it.

Leave all your preparation behind (along with something to purify water – oops!) and now you have arrived at what you think is the trailhead. Don’t worry about the absence of all signage, or other hikers – it just means that if you die, you’ll die completely alone where no one can laugh over your Dipshit carcass.

Now you’re out in the cold wilderness with your fellow Dipshit. The stars are glistening overhead, the snow is crunching under your tent, and the soft roar of the highway is lulling you to sleep. Not only do you get to admire the starlight in the dark night, but you get to view the town from a mere 1 mile distance. Ahh – civilization. How far away it seems – a whole 15-minute car-ride. Who needs toilet paper?

Now that you’ve settled down in your tent, on your pad with your sleeping bag, you begin to gently drift into the tense, hyper-aware state of extreme nervousness that all campers live for. This is the time – generally referred to as “night” – when a camper in the middle of the wilderness begins to notice sounds.

At first, these sounds might sound terrifying. Your city-born ears hear an animal rushing up to your tent in the dead of night to riffle through your packs, chew up your extra sweaters with enormous gnashing jaws, and rip your camping cookware to shreds with its razor-sharp claws. It’s a strange quirk of the outdoors, but that enormous creature menacing you at 4 a.m. somehow always leaves squirrel tracks in the snow. Perhaps it was a squirrel. Perhaps it was some other animal walking on squirrel-foot stilts. Who can say. It’s important to not overstretch yourself reaching for a logical interpretation. That’s not the Dipshit way!

The shining moment in any true Dipshit camping experience, of course, is when you wake up the next morning, and realize that you parked your car (illegally) 5 yards from the actual trailhead.

Congratulations! You are a real Dipshit.

The joy of living on your own, part 2

jhorna — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 22:16:55 +0000

You can also create the only place in the world where everything conforms to your ideals – where all things are your deciding.

You can create the place where you do for yourself the things you usually do for other people. Cook yourself a nice meal, listen to stories about your day, watch a movie.

You can create the place where everything you do is right – everything you do is important, and proves you are a person of great esteem.

You can create the place where your emotions are renewed just by walking in the door. The ambience can be entirely under your control.

You can create the place where you get to think about and explore every idea you have ever had.

You can create the place where, no matter what happens in the outside world, you know you are safe when you come home.

You can create the place where you influence every aspect of the place. And you also acknowledge its influence on you.

Some of these will not strike you as important.
They are not for you.
Which one resonates?
Some of these will overwhelm you.
Forget them.
Which one inspires and energizes you?

Yeats

jhorna — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 10:45:50 +0000

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Learning, Doing, Teaching

jhorna — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 22:30:37 +0000

Learning
is finding out
what you already know.
Doing is demonstrating that
you know it.
Teaching is reminding others
that they know just as well as you.

You are all learners,
doers, teachers.

- Richard Bach, “Illusions.”

Problems

jhorna — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 22:27:16 +0000

“There is
no such thing as a problem
without a gift for you
in its hands.

You seek problems
because you need
their gifts.”

- Richard Bach, “Illusions”

ouch ouch ouch

jhorna — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 00:02:04 +0000

“We use the word hurt when talking about things like this because when these things go wrong it can feel as if you were hit in the sternum by a huge animal that’s run for miles just to strike you.”

- Dave Eggars

Tickling slow loris

jhorna — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 06:16:30 +0000

There has to be a way to dance sustainably

jhorna — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 00:46:51 +0000

La la la Human Steps:

Yves Montand – A bicyclette (Olympia 1981)

jhorna — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 18:30:28 +0000

Simon Rich, Shouts and Murmurs: The Wisdom of Children

jhorna — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 03:26:41 +0000

I. A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids’ Table

MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.
DAD: O.K.
GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.
DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.
UNCLE: I’m having sex right now.
DAD: We all are.
MOM: Let’s talk about which kid I like the best.
DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.
MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.
FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!
DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.
MOM: I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!
DAD: I’m angry, too! We’re angry at each other!
MOM: Now everything is fine.
DAD: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.
MOM: There was a big sex.
FRIEND FROM WORK: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!
(Everybody laughs.)
MOM: I had a lot of wine, and now I’m crazy!
GRANDFATHER: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?
ALL: Yes.
GRANDFATHER: Don’t tell the kids.

- Simon Rich, Shouts and Murmurs

The divine Miss E

jhorna — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:37:48 +0000

a sore spot i keep touching
expecting enlightenment
and all i’m getting

is a deeper bruise

Rumi: With You Here Between

jhorna — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 21:31:00 +0000

With You Here Between
Lovers work, so that when body and soul
are no longer together,
their loving will be free.
Wash in wisdom-water, so you will have no regrets
about the time here.
Love is the vital core of the soul,
and of all you see, only love is infinite.
Your non-existence before you were born
is the sky in the east.
Your death is the western horizon,
with you here between.
The way leads neither east nor west,
but in.
Test your love-wings and make them strong.
Forget the ideas of religious ladders.
Love is the roof. Your senses are waterspouts.
Drink rain directly off the roof.
Waterspouts are easily damaged
and often must be replaced.
Say this poem in your chest.
Don’t worry how it sounds
going through your mouth.
A human body is a bow.
Breathing and speech are arrows.
When the quiver and arrows are used up or lost,
there is nothing more for the bow to do.
-Rumi

Kurt Vonnegut’s uncle Alex

jhorna — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 18:26:08 +0000

My chief complaint about human beings is that they often don’t realize when they’re happy. So when I’m at a picnic, or otherwise enjoying myself immensely, I like to say it out loud:

“Well, if this isn’t nice then I don’t know what is.”

It’s amazing

jhorna — Wed, 28 May 2008 15:56:22 +0000

It’s amazing how sometimes you don’t realize how angry you are at yourself until someone else forgives you.

oh gosh pregnancy

jhorna — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 18:53:14 +0000

pregnancy – triplets. yikes!