Aries - You’ve never been the type to contemplate suicide, a fact made painfully clear by the hurried, rather slapdash nature of your hanging this Thursday.
Taurus - A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disasterous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
Gemini - While truth may in fact be stranger than fiction, no one is the least bit interested in your personal adventures in babysitting.
Cancer - Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.
Leo - Your dreams will be crushed tonight by the repeated strikes of a titanium crowbar against your skull.
Virgo - Much to your dismay, you’ll find your one true soulmate this week in an ordinary, perfectly inanimate desk lamp.
Libra - Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.
Scorpio - Just when you think you’ll never find the strength to go on, the virgin blood of a fragile waif will fuel you for another 200 years TM.
Sagittarius - Sagittarius is hurt by allegations that it’s been slipping product placements into weekly predictions - so hurt in fact that it may soon seek out the pain-relieving properties of Extra Srength Tylenol ™.
Capricorn - Whie you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don’t have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
Aquarius - Your faith will be tested this week through a series of harrowing multiple-choice sacrifices, several short-answer-style moral decisions, and a one page-length final essay on what it means to be devout.
Pisces - Following decades of uncertainty, you will finally realize this week that the one thing you want most from life is for it to end.
