Some day I will be glad to have him as a friend.
That is all I want right now.
Why I will not have sex again for a very long time Thursday, September 21, 2006
Even if I take birth control, or use condoms, there is still a chance that I could get pregnant.
If I get pregnant, I will have two choices:
1. Have an abortion.
2. Have a child.
Neither one of those choices is acceptable. So - no sex for me!
And yet Thursday, September 21, 2006
And yet
I am who I am and that is good.
I do what I do and that is good.
The part of me that is single and has always been single and will always be single is doing great. She flourishes with lots of free time and self-centered focus.
The part of me that was in a relationship and was totally committed to it… is crawling up my throat and showing her middle finger to the world. She is playing basketball with my heart, and making a cake out of my emotions, to watch my friends choke on my love. She is confused and angry. She is hurt and upset. She is wondering how long it will be before she trusts someone as much again. She realizes that is a sad sad thing to think. She is tired of all the casual flirting that goes on during the day. She wishes she could just wear a band that says “NOT INTERESTED.” She is tired of people asking her “how she is.” She’s BAD, okay?? It SUCKS. Right now, it doesn’t feel like it will EVER get better, although friends and family assure her otherwise.
It will be a LONG time before she can date again. And the vagabond life of the clown is not conducive to a relationship. And part of her thinks that that - is better than this. She wants to watch a horribly sad relationship movie and think “at least my life is better than THAT.”
Argh Thursday, September 21, 2006
I feel betrayed and hurt. How could he - after so long and so much - just leave? I feel like he just abandoned everything we shared.
Yeah there’s really no way I would be able to date him again. There’s a level of trust that would be missing.
A strange dream Thursday, September 21, 2006
I’m at some kind of fair. It’s like a welcome to college thing and everyone there is new at college. Some parents are there. Half of it is outside in these tents, and half of it is inside in this huge house. Knox kids are there, and Czech Republic kids. Matt is there. We are half avoiding each other, and half trying to see each other and be okay with it. He is on some kind of crazy drug, or else is drunk.
We are walking around, enjoying the various aspects of the fair. Everything feels nervous and on edge. The light is strange, and filters through the clouds brightly, picking out certain people. The lights inside are mostly neon. The house is old and made of beautiful dark wood and gently creaking stairs.
I am standing in a circle with … a lot of people. Leeann (one of Matt’s old girlfriends) is there with her roommate Megan Brady. She’s laughing and flirting with Matt, and I just feel sorry for her, since I know nothing will ever come of it. Matt is laughing and rollicking. His cheeks are big, and his hair is short. He sort of avoids me, but I can tell that we’re both extremely aware of the other person.
I am pushing a wheelchair down a dark smokey hallway. There is a pool hall area off to the right, and it is lit with pink neon lights and has a dark velvety feel to it. The wheelchair has too much momentum, and when the girls in front of me stop, I run over Aliska (blonde hair, bad skin, good at english) ’s foot. She says, in English, “Oh Lord Molly that hurt.” I have sliced open a huge layer of skin on her foot. I tell her to sit in the wheelchair to look at it. How charming! I want to push her along as she examines her wound, hopefully making amends, but it’s so bad that all I can do is stare in horror.
I’m in a room with Matt. I came in here to… look at a fishtank? He’s sitting next to me on a rocking chair, rocking gently back and forth. We look at each other. I put my hand on his knee and smile sadly. He looks like he’s about to cry, and says / thinks into my head: It was beautiful. Then he leans forward to kiss me. I lean away - we’re not dating anymore! Then I want to, so I lean forward again, but then I know it’s wrong so I lean back again. He kisses me. It’s a beautiful reminder of all our other kisses, but it feels so wrong. He kisses me again and again. His lips are wet. “We’re broken up.” He says. I feel confused and a little angry - no shit we’re broken up. I get up and walk out.
That’s all I remember, although it was much more cohesive in my dream head.
